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Wednesday, January 19, 2005

dear friends
this is seriously getting out of hand and out of line . i am shutting down this blog and moving it to personal emails . i am saddened by the fact that people have wasted so much time fueling such rubbish instead of using time wisely to improve on their lives . going to zouk or typing here is not a sin and i am answerable to god for my own actions not anyone esle's . the sterotype of going to zouk , getting drunk and sleeping around or actresses sleeping around to get their roles , has to be broken .that is completely untrue . thank you very much for your interest but i think this has gone on too far and i wish for all of you to just concentrate on investing time in people you love and making a difference in their lives instead . god bless and keep you .


deliriousdreams [9:20 PM]
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Tuesday, January 18, 2005
inane insecurity
the serenity of having the fountain of peace flow from within has definately taken me by surprise . being human , i would be aggitated at being misunderstood , probably would like to wrestle the problems and try to pin and nab down everyone who turns my life topsy turvy . but like i said . weird as it does sound . i have found the lord again and his peace has taken me to new heights i could never embrace on my own accord .
all those poison lashings and scornful scratches doesn't make me flinch and it certainly doesn't rankle . its funny how some people would like to waste their time and life judging other people and trying to sum up the lives of others, probably even going to an extent of sketching out a whole lifestyle of another with their own imagination or supposed hear say . these people certainly put the writers of "days of our lives" to shame and i feel sorry that these people are not investing good quality time trying to build friendships and relationships with people they love and treasure instead of withering away, trying to slain ,slander and burn ...
oh well . the truth will see the light of day . all in due time and i pray that there will be a veil of protection over our tongues and our hearts . that we should guard it and not fight back or judge other people in our own lives . i know many of you have problems with your friendships at school or people that disappoint you . life certainly isn't easy . but we can choose how we want to deal with things . our focus , our perspectives and what controls our lives .
if we govern our lives trying to fend off the world and trying so hard to please everyone and make a good impression . we'd be burnt out . that inner circle of friends and family , that circle of trust , intergrity , love and peace is so important and intergal in our lives .
like i;ve always mentioned in many interviews ."those who matter don't care and those who care don't matter"
i pray you'd find the strength in the lord , within your family and close knit friends to lead the "let go" life . that u'd let go of things beyond your control . but to control your own mind and your own judgement of people , your own ways and to open up that door of undertsanding to love and to be greatly blessed coz you are special and no one can ever take that away from you ; )

deliriousdreams [4:22 PM]
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Friday, January 14, 2005
profanity
its times like these one would love to lash out and blurt out the sinner's vocabulary .
how apt it would seem . since life has been creamed you deem .
oh well . restrain requisite while we put our hands together ,belting out a requiem for the less fortunate . those who would put us to shame for our grievance. a moment of silence for the dear tsuami victims .
what are our tiny problems compared to life gone, devoid of any chance to grab it by its horns.
all pales in comparison it seems . sigh . so yes . we must find , within ourselves . that unmistakable purpose of life . to better lead our wandering minds . to anchor the restless nomad and to finally house it with due rest . comfort shall envelope the found perspective and god shall bless it abundantly . new trials arise for the coming months .a feat trying to make the impossible work . sussing out new doors and new chores . hopefully it'll all come to pass and i'll look back , in hindsight , the best sight . and smile . it was all well worth it .


deliriousdreams [10:18 PM]
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Thursday, January 13, 2005

dear friends

thank you so much for your support and encouragement . i never expected for my blog to be this public . but oh well . i'm not writting to impress and this is just a site to let off steam and to let my thoughts flow as a constant current through my incessant typing of pent up feelings . if u are here to judge what i say , then i suggest perhaps u shouldn't come to my site ever again then . its my career suicide not yours . but for those who haev been steadfast , i thank you from teh bottom of my heart and hold u dear in my heart . thank you .

many of you have sent me letters to tell me how you felt closer to me after this blog and how real situations are in life and how u too feel scared and u too think of great decisions in life .

i too am human and i fall and falter . i run back to cringed old ways and get disappointed at my weakness . but u know what . its ok . its ok to feel down sometimes and its ok to feel you are alone . think but don't dwell . recover quickly as u keep telling yourself to have faith and to believe in the impossible . its only when we have hope and we look forward to soemthing , we work towards soemthing , without grudge in our hearts that we can actually progress .

this week was hellish for me . people bombarding me with how silly i am to make such a suicidal decision and them seeing red for my life's "downturn" .
i cannot deny that i wasn't a tad bit affected . i felt perhaps when reality sinks in . i'll start to smell the stink .

but u know what . i had to pull myself out of it . literally drag . to hope for the better . to practise what i've preached . to say yes . i have made my choice to leave it to the lord and i haev to believe and i will believe that he will opn a better door for me . but in the meantime , i will continue to improve myself . taking up lessons and makign arrangements for other things .i am excited at the prospect of new things and i probably would disappear for a while . you guys might not see me on tv and others might probably start to forget me . but i am happy .
and i will treasure those who have stayed behind to be a friend . thank you for blanketing me with your warmth .

gonna go for my meetings now . perhaps a new path for me to unravel ; )

deliriousdreams [1:14 AM]
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Friday, January 07, 2005

Scattered spirits of butterfly flashes.
Maimed monstrosity burned to ashes .
glassed boxed in , empty echoed company.
Dancing lights,pharoah ' s faded symphony .
Gone is the shell left to dust
Come with new trinity take off the mask
In here all things are near . my dear have no fear ,
No more should u tear,the road will be clear
In me anew , break free and heal,Let shattered glass melt this deal.
Free your mind , show the sign .
The sinners throne will soon be blown
Come out to play , let the word be known
No longer solo ,the crippled creature ,
Radiant glow I , god ' s reflected feature .


deliriousdreams [11:26 PM]
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Wednesday, January 05, 2005
a revival
dearest babies,
thank you for your continual support and love . i really treasure u and i thank god that i have touched ur life and i thank god for each and everyone of you . you are very dear and special to me.
i have made a very big decision today to give up a role . it is a big thing for me coz i might not have any more chances coz of the merger of the channels and also because i am blacklisted in the company . but i have never felt more happy , more relived , more light .
it could be a career altering role , one that could possibly ganer me a best suporting actress title and one that can change the mindsets of producers about me . one that can let me shine again and be at the very top . i was battling very hard to decide if i should do it or not and even when i said no and turned it down . i couldn't understand if it was the right choice .
but i started crying , sobbing like never before and i felt a huge burden lift off my shoulders . only then did i realize that it was not my decision but god's decision . i have been chasing rainbows and placing my expectations on worldly things . on love , on people on my career . and when they fail i crumble , i falter and i get upset and depressed . the lord knew that if i were to do this role , yes i might be successful in it . but i would be doing it so i can prove that i can act , i would be doing it so that i can win an award , i would be doing it so i won't offend anyone in the company and it will only make me want more . the lord humbled me and made me undertsand finally why i chose to say no . that i should not pin my emotions on things that will pass . that i should have my faith in him . only then will i find true happiness , peace and joy .
me of all people , started to believe strongly that i have made the right choice. i am nothing . whatever i have is from god and he will make a way for me despite the odds . although now i don't know what the future holds , although maybe i'll never have any more dramas to do or i might drop out of popularity . i am happy . because i am where i am now through grace and it is no loss to me if i lose everything coz i started with nothing
i know the lord will open up new doors for me . he has better plans for me and he will give me the strength coz he has made a change in me .
i just wanted to share this with all of you beacuse i want to encourage you , when u are feeling down and feeling empty to look upon jesus and he will be your refuge and strength and he will be your comfort and carry you through all your problems . he will fill you with much happines and joy and u will find that doing everything is so easy . when your heart is happy everything u touch will turn to gold . and u will have optimisim and positivity and u will shine bright and u will be special . people will be drawn to you because you radiate his grace and you have his divine blessings.
i might not be the best actress , i might be the best anything . i might be the simplest girl on the face of the earth . but simplicity in god is bliss and i do hope to be the most inspirational friend to you and you in turn to others ; )
i love you all very much and i pray that u too will find happiness and joy like i have
big warm toasty super duper loving hug

deliriousdreams [10:25 PM]
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Monday, January 03, 2005
to go or not to go
its been such a hard year . like being tossed in the tempest seas of politics and pressure . i'm glad its all over
this year however comes with new challenges and new heights to conquer .
i wish my dear friends that i can grow with u , walk each step with u and share our joys, our pains our highs and our lows .
i really hope that our "family" can be united and grow with each passing day , stronger and unbeatable .
i pray also that u all can excel in your own wasy , be it at school or at work and work hard and get support from each other to do well in all areas of your life
i really hope too , that u'll continue to support me even if i decide to choose a very different course of life , to make a very drastic decision , that i'd have the favour of all of you by god's grace and mercy .
last but not least i pray that the lord will watch over each and every one of us and that he'll read our heart's desires and fulfil them according to the plans he has for us
i love u all very much and i appreciate your being here with me
*big warm toasty hug*


deliriousdreams [4:29 AM]
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genesis the begining
conflicted chaos

the whirlwind of events has left me breathless , cold and hard as rock .to go or not to go that is the question .i wish for this page to be a bridge to you out there . to better understand what i am all about and perhaps for you to interact with me .

i'm at a rather low ebb these days , feeling pretty blue and rather pensive .

before i go on any further . i'd promise to try my upmost best to type in the simplest english and the easiest format so that you guys can relate to it more . i tend to go off sometimes and type like i'm writing poetry pages on end .

back to the question . to go or not to go .

deliriousdreams [1:23 AM]
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January 2005